Sometimes self-pity comes in the form of wishing things were different. A woman thinks “if only” she had made different decisions, things would be better.
Other times, self pity shows up as sadness. This woman just feels sad and she doesn’t know why. It’s often the feeling that results from a day or a week of frustration over the things her husband does wrong, or over her weight, or over not being appreciated, or whatever.
Here’s an example. A woman’s husband makes a critical remark. She thinks, “If only I had known what he was really like before we got married, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of his rude comments.” Then she gets angry. “Why didn’t anyone warn me? Why didn’t any of my friends care enough to tell me not to marry him?”
That night she feels sad. As she stands in the kitchen making dinner, she doesn’t really know why she feels sad, but she’s drained of energy and she feels bad. Nothing horrible happened that day. Life has been good, but she’s in the dumps.
The next day she doesn’t get much done. She doesn’t really feel like working hard. She dreams of a life she doesn’t have. The bitter thoughts she feels have started to grow roots, and it becomes hard not to wish things were different.
The problem began in her thoughts. When her husband (or friend or family member or person at church or whoever) did something wrong, she let herself think of it. Instead of forgetting what lies behind, and keeping no record of how she has been wronged, and overlooking one another’s faults because of her love, and forgiving one another because God in Christ Jesus forgave her (Phil 3, 1 Cor. 13, Eph. 4), she simply wished things were different, or “innocently” felt hurt by what happened.
But when normal hurt becomes lingering hurt, the line starts to blur into bitterness and unforgiveness. It’s a dangerous path to go down. If you want to be blessed, forgive others. I’ve found the easiest way for me to stay clear of bitterness when I am wronged, is not to give what happened another thought. If I’ve been hurt or bothered by something, and I start to think of it, I will say to myself, “I’m not going to give this another thought. What can I be thankful for?”
Another check for your thoughts is your facial expression. When you catch your expression in the mirror, what does it say? Is your face reflecting thankfulness and joy? Or sourness and self pity? Your face says a lot about the thoughts behind the face.
Next, check your heart. Have you made a point to punish the person who hurt you by treating them coldly? Do you want to avoid looking cheerful because it might make the person who hurt you think that what they did was okay? I love the quote from Nancy Leigh DeMoss who says, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Bitterness, self pity, negative feelings can kill you. And I mean this very literally. The Bible says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). Your bones make white blood cells, which is your immune system. If your bones dry up (meaning the bone marrow inside), you are literally depleting your immune system. A broken spirit is hard on your body.
Sometimes pain and tragedy is unavoidable. But other times a broken spirit can be caused by reliving some painful experience over and over again. This is like going to a feast and drinking Drano instead. You have a mind which can feast on any thought you give it. God knows the type of thoughts which will be most beneficial for you in all ways. I’d like to conclude with that list that God has given for your benefit in the Bible.
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers,
- whatever is true,
- whatever is noble,
- whatever is right,
- whatever is pure,
- whatever is lovely,
- whatever is admirable–
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–
